by Zöe | Jan 21, 2025 | Featured, My Story, Personal, Work
Yup. I know consistency in blogging isn’t one of my strong suits. But, I’m trying to rediscover things that used to make me happy – one of which is writing for pure fun. I don’t want to make a living at this or become an influencer. Audiences make me anxious. At least by blogging and staying here in my little weird corner, I can attract the right readers and maybe help inform or entertain, maybe both.
The site has undergone some changes – a new look, fewer plugins, more optimization, and security features, and I’m still working on checking out various devices to tweak the design.
Updates to My Life
- I worked for 2.5 years for Automattic, the company behind WordPress, supporting their e-commerce platform and extensions at WooCommerce. I took the famous severance deal this year and left the company.
- I have a boyfriend, a soon-to-be fiance, whom I love very much. He’s also trans.
- I have a dog, Astro, who is a rescue and probably some kind of terrier and pit bull mix.
- We moved across the country this New Year, and we’re still waiting for the moving company to deliver our stuff. It was a debacle. Still glad we didn’t rent a truck and drive it ourselves.
- I’m going back into web design but this time around I’m learning to do all the HTML, CSS, JavaScript, and PHP the manual way to make optimized, beautiful, accessible, and successful web sites. I’m also going to learn Wix and Shopify and not just WordPress theme creation.
- Boyfriend is job hunting. We might hear back tomorrow.
Ends
The universe provided the six-month severance, and that allowed us to survive the end of the year and get to our new home. Friends are letting us stay in their basement apartment and we only have to contribute to utilities or barter for rent.
I got on Medicaid this month in our state, and it’s expanded so I’m mostly getting free-to-me healthcare for my health conditions. That’s been a relief even if my new doctor seems to not be much more than adequate.
We have been fortunate enough to be able to get food twice now from the local food bank. It’s mostly good food, but they really don’t give you things like seasonings or butter or little staples you might need for ingredients. I’m not complaining, it was just a thing that occurred to me since we’re starting with nothing in the pantry. We actually got two cans of diet soda in this week’s offerings.
The last major ending is that I’m quitting vaping nicotine and Boyfriend ordered me a Füm kit. I’m hopeful I can kick nicotine for my health and our finances.
Tip Jar
Hey reader – I don’t know how you found me, but if you like my blog or just want to help a stranger out with some Chaotic Good, we could really use the financial assistance right now, and it’s close enough that mutual aid would save the day.
Would you spare a few bucks via CashApp here?
Thanks and See You Soon
Thanks for reading this post – I’m hoping to do this more as a hobby to unwind after working on my business stuff all day. There might not be a regular schedule for a bit, but routines and habits help me.
by Zöe | Aug 18, 2018 | BDSM, Featured, Kink
Hello! Gosh – there’s a lot of misinformation about BDSM relationships floating around the internet. I’m no expert myself, so this isn’t intended to be a one-size-fits-all guide to BDSM, much less being a dom. I’m not a dominant person – lately especially, I’m finding that my desires heavily lean towards being somewhat submissive. As I talk about what I’m into and what kind of person I am, I want to talk heavily about the relationship itself, not the details of practical kink acts or servitude.
The First Rule in all Relationships is Communication, so have a Conversation
A lot of guys I’ve encountered on the internet do NOT understand the dom/sub dynamic one bit. So let me start off by saying, you should NOT just approach (virtually or in person) any random person who you’ve found out identifies as a submissive and attempt to order them around right away. It’s rude, it has not been negotiated or consented to, and it’s off-putting in most circumstances.
Once I’ve found that lucky someone who gives off those strong “dom” vibes, and you’ve mutually agreed to engage in a dom/sub relationship (either just in the bedroom, or full-time / part-time in your daily lives also), it’s time to negotiate.
What is there to negotiate? After all, you’re in charge now. You’re the boss, right? That’s a common first misstep of an inexperienced dom. A submissive willingly and consentually gives authorization to engage in activities beforehand. You can “give up” control, but you never lose the ultimate bodily and personal autonomy. A good start is to develop together a yes/no/maybe list – you can use this one by Bex, he’s already done a lot of the work for you! Make a list together of the things you’re into, willing to try, and your hard limits. A dom’s primary job is to care for and pleasure or receive pleasure from their sub, and to control the scene.
If “scene” is a new kink term for you, that’s the time and space set aside for specific play time. This is another conversation that you need to have – does the dom’s control cease outside of scenes? Are you OK with flirty casual dominance but uncomfortable with further public control / guidance? That’s OK too. There aren’t qualifiers for “kinky enough” or “dom enough.” It’s rude to look at someone else’s scene and poke fun at it or call it “too tame.” Different people have different traumas, triggers, and levels of comfort with physical touch. Scenes are negotiated to accommodate everyone’s needs, desires, and accessibility needs. There are also cultural considerations, but sitting on a lot of privilege myself I leave that discussion to more qualified writers.
For me, I am more interested in scene-based submission, with casual lifestyle submission (I will serve as long as it pleases me to please you, but not when that’s not respected). I have struggles with my mental health, a lot of issues centering around power dynamics, and between life stress and my medication I don’t always feel like having sexy time. Those days when I just want to be a melted puddle of cute in a blanket and have someone take care of me. In a scene, I like letting go of control, of feeling responsible for anyone even myself, having one thing to do and that’s what I’m told. I feel euphoric when I’ve done as I’m supposed to and get called a pet name or “Good Girl.” And sometimes I like to be a little bratty, suddenly have selective hearing, or forget to ask before doing something. And those are times when our negotiations dictate what responses to expect for “misbehavior.” A lot of folks extend this outside of a scene by setting expectations for a sub or a “little” (in a dd/lg style relationship), such as taking their medication daily, running errands, specific chores, doing a kind thing for someone at work each day, doing a healthy cardio activity. Then there are often rewards or punishments as appropriate. Depending on the circumstances, some choices may result in “fun-ishment” while others may be “not allowed ice cream tonight” or another discrete discouragement.
Caring First, Strict Second
For me, power exchanges are entirely about trust. For me to even agree to submit to you in meat space, I would have to trust you completely. My submission means “I trust you to care enough about me to decide, for as long as I consent, what is best for me – leaving me completely vulnerable. Consent is voluntary, aware, ongoing (check in with me), enthusiastic, and always able to be withdrawn.
Ways to lose my trust:
- ANY consent violation
- Lying (outside roleplay)
- Not showing up for me
- Cutting off communication / avoiding discussions about the relationship.
- Violating the negotiated boundaries and conditions instead of revisiting boundaries in discussion.
- Hurt me in anger.
Lead Me to the Bedroom
In the past, I spent a lot of time in the patriarchal role of pursuer and decider of things. I’ve been in cumbersome relationships where my ability to sometimes function as an adult and meet adult responsibilities with some success led to my being stuck handling all the grown up things alone. While I still prefer to be an independent woman, it would be nice to have a dom partner that would occasionally say “Babe, don’t worry about that, I’m taking care of it for you.” Because I’m most definitely always looking for little things I can do to make my partner’s day better. I don’t want to be in charge, mostly ever, but I certainly don’t want to be the only one taking the lead by default.
My future dom would be someone who would know the proper ways to approach me to initiate a sexy time, gauge my enthusiasm and gain my consent, or be understanding and thoughful when I’m not interested without assuming something is wrong or that I’m in a bad mood. When it’s sexy time though, they would take my hand or tease me and chase me to the sexy time location. I do prefer a quieter, dimmer lit space, with comfortable furnishings. Bedrooms have applied most often.
I’m Eager to Please
As someone submitting to you, you powerful sex demon(ness/nx), I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me. My preference is for you to let me (and guide me) to pleasing you physically, first. That’s because my fear is when I am spent I will be no good to anyone for anything for a while after. And that leaves plenty of time for me to enjoy you and to not have to be functional after you tease, torture, and finally release me.
I don’t keep records – at least when it comes to orgasms. Orgasms are wonderful(!!!). It’s nice to have orgasms(!!!). Not all sex has to be orgasm-centered nor orgasm-involved, even. Nor does your ability to get or stay physically aroused for any duration of time indicate your value as a person or performance as a lover or kink partner. That said, I like giving them very much and it is never a chore or bother at all to get to savor a partner’s pleasure, it’s enjoyable and arousing.
Let’s Play in Public, but not like Creeps
OK, this might sound like something I should save for my therapist, but at a very young and impressionable age (when I just started to think that boobs were interesting and not terrifying), I was walking through the grocery store unattended and saw a woman wearing a mid-drift baring t-shirt and there was nothing too revealing going on, but underneath dangled a single chain but she did not appear to be wearing a necklace. It took me a few more years to fully understand what I saw, but that woman definitely had either piercings or clamps on her nipples and the chain was dangling between them. That might offend some sensibilities, but it’s not outright creepy, just provocative. And that memory might explain some things about me.
I’m a terrified exhibitionist. If I knew I couldn’t be personally identified and wouldn’t be arrested, I love being lusted after by non-creeps and it would be wonderful to let larger numbers of folks enjoy my body without being made to feel shitty about it. So most of the time, I’m into discreet play. That also means not forcing my nudity or sexual behaviors into the public space to be observed non-consentually by passersby.
Fooling around at the movies, for example, is not unheard of, but how you go about it can be discreet fun or lewd and potentially unlawful. A crowded theater, for example, is probably not a great time to attempt it. Under no circumstances should you attempt to perform or request a visible sex act. That’s a hard no from me, I don’t want to assault other people visually and without consent. Pull me out somewhere private, duck into a closet, a stairwell, just don’t get us locked out! And you better already have an abort/escape plan in case we are discovered!
A fun game to play in public is “don’t cum.” It has one rule, and my dom is referee and antagonist. The right one for me will find ways to tease and touch and say things to make it difficult on me, but I will bite my lip (and often my tongue) and try to sit still and not squirm through it. The important thing is to find what we’re enthusiastic about and accomplish it without harm or consent violation of anyone involved (intentionally or unintentionally).
Elevators with no cameras, in the car (safely w/ respect for others), an unattended aisle of the store, anytime really where it’s cheeky but still hidden, grab a handful of booty or give me a light playful spank. A couple seconds of groping and making out and then having to go back about our business as though nothing happened. But it did happen, and it’s a naughty secret now that we share. By the time we’re back, I’ll feel especially playful.
Be Strong, Guard Me, Guide Me
I say dom a lot because it’s less letters to type, but these things apply in any similar dominant role. A good dom will want to stay informed on the status of their submissive, to trust the submissive to be honest and open, and to be worthy of the trust placed upon them. I want someone to whom I submit to be enthusiastic and informed about their role. I want them to watch out for dangers to me (even if they’re me) and help me avoid them. I want them to check in with me frequently during a scene, updating consent, and after particularly intense stuff do after care, be affectionate, but especially not distant. It’s a super vulnerable time. It should feel blissful and safe.
“I don’t know, just do kinky shit. Go down on me, because I said so, bitch.”
If you immediately became the opposite of aroused after that sentence, you are not alone. If you became aroused, because you said this and some poor, unfortunate soul still touched you? You are not a candidate to dom this princess. I’m not against the right kind of name-calling (this is a good thing to include in negotiation, establish boundaries), but the lack of effort, creativity, and ultimately uninspired performance of this line is not a strong start.
“Princess, it’s time for us to play. Be a Good Girl – get the accoutrements and your favorite paddle, but I want you to change into the black pencil skirt, and put your hair up the way I like. Hurry along, now.”
This appeals to me on a lot of levels – a pet name, my desire to be Good, trusting me to know the regular accoutrements my dom desires, and rewarding me with my favorite choice of paddle for “fun-ishment.” They exercise control in telling me how to present myself, and express urgency making the priority clear. These are easily obtainable goals with immediate rewards for everyone involved.
While I gather those things, my dom would be planning other things, like after care, putting on the outfit of theirs I mentioned they look good in the other day. Wearing my favorite fragrance, doing things to accentuate their features that I enjoy. Not to try and win me, they already own me. But because it brings me pleasure, and they get pleasure from that.
50 Shades of “Fucked Up”
My inspiration for this topic was seeing the first two 50 Shades movies recently, and while they got a lot of things right it was a lot like watching a poorly prepared and oversimplified educational video on BDSM and the relationship dynamics of some kinky people. I loved the kink negotiation (though they took it to a literal, legal place – I guess because he’s rich and a business person), I loved the parts on consent and safe words, hard limits and boundaries (although THEY BOTH SUCK AT BOUNDARIES FOR THE SAKE OF PLOT DEVELOPMENT), but so many people focused on either the sex (meh) or the lifestyle submission outside of scenes.
I felt like I should at least clarify my own desires and interests in finding a dom(me) and maybe help someone avoid missteps if they’re just starting out. If you’re just starting out and you’re not actively seeking mentorship to learn to be a good dom, you really should find someone. You may not have to sub to learn from them, but it usually helps. You really shouldn’t start out on your own without some guidance and training. I’m not really looking for a dom that I have to teach everything to in order to enjoy myself. The right dom will hopefully already know these things. For me 75% of sizing up another person to be my dom is whether or not they’re a decent human being worth trusting. So work on that first.
Let me know in the comments what qualities you submissives look for in a dom(me)? Dom(me)s, what do you most look for in a sub? No shaming in the comments, please.
by Zöe | Sep 15, 2017 | Featured, Guest Post, How to Trans, Reviews
The following is a guest post about STP (stand-to-pee) devices by Kelvin Sparks. He is a bi, polyamorous, and intersex trans man who writes about sex, sexuality, and sex toys. Check Kelvin out over at his website, CyborgDicks.com
A STP (Stand To Pee device) is, as the name suggests, a device that allows AFAB people to pee while standing up. For transmasculine people, they can serve as a way to combat dysphoria or for practical reasons, as it allows us to use urinals.
I do want to make it clear that while many trans men and other transmasculine people use STP devices to help relieve dysphoria, a person of any gender can use one. Using an STP, feeling dysphoria relieved at using an STP, or wanting to try an STP device has no bearing on your gender. While I am writing this from the perspective of a (mostly binary) trans man, the information in this is predominantly factual, and (I hope!) will still be useful.
On the flip side, if you are a trans man or otherwise transmasculine and do not enjoy using an STP, this is valid. While an STP can make accessing male bathrooms easier, as it can allow for urinal use, you will almost certainly not be outed because of your choice not to use a urinal, and your choice not to use one has no bearing on your gender. You are not a “fake man” or “fake trans person” for not wanting to or not enjoying using an STP device. Each person’s experiences is different, and nobody can tell you that your experiences or emotions are invalid or wrong.
If you’re experimenting with STP devices, and gendered marketing of products doesn’t bother you, devices intended for and marketed towards cis women may be more accessible to you than STP devices targeted at transmasculine people. Examples of this style of STP include the (unfortunately named and painfully marketed) GoGirl, the Shewee, and the pStyle.
For the most part, these types of STP devices are not going to be useful for people who want an STP that makes being able to use a urinal possible. Because of their non-representational forms, they may also not help with some people’s dysphoria, and their size and bulkiness generally makes them less portable than STP devices marketed towards and intended for transmasculine people. However, because they’re intended to be held over pretty much all of your anatomy, they are compatible with most people’s particulars in terms of anatomy and stream. Additionally, if you’re in an environment where you can’t be out yet, they have some deniability attached to them. You can potentially excuse them as for travel, or for hiking, or for outdoor sport if questioned by somebody who you don’t feel safe being out to.
Generally, there’s two styles of STP device targeted specifically at transmasculine people- “medicine spoon” (or funnel) style devices, and “nipple” style ones. This has to do with the shape of the receptacle you press against your genitals and pee into, and both derive their names from DIY solutions that trans men in the past have come up with, and have passed into trans legend since.
The latter – which I have never tried and have only heard rumours of – comes from the process of cutting the end off a baby bottle nipple, then gluing this nipple to some rubber tubing. The former- which I have tried and which did work for me- involves cutting a hole in the end of a medicine spoon’s handle, and using the cup of the spoon to pee into.
If you’re comfortable touching your genitalia, I would advise you get a decent idea of what anatomy you have, because this impacts how your genitalia interface with an STP. It can be unpleasant, especially because part of figuring out your anatomical specifics means touching your genitalia when urinating, but it really does help in the long run. I promise. Peeing standing up in the shower is probably the best way to figure this out. Try to ask yourself these questions:
Where exactly is your urethra? When you pee without an assistive device, where does the stream go? Is your urine stream caught up in the labia minora?
If your urine stream comes straight out, you will probably have better luck with nipple style STPs than a person whose stream becomes caught up in their labia minora. Nipple style receptacles are generally more comfortable and easier to pocket (if not attached to a packer), but must be placed more precisely in order to create a full seal, and stop accidents happening. This also requires more interaction with your anatomy, which some people might find triggers their dysphoria.
For those with a more unruly flow, or for those who want minimal interaction with their anatomy, spoon style STPs are likely to work better. However, it still requires some aiming to ‘dock’ correctly, and there is a potential risk that a seal may not be formed. This is especially the case if you have particularly large labia minora.
I don’t actually know of any commercially available STP devices that use the nipple style receptacle that aren’t also functional as packers. There are a few spoon style STP devices that aren’t packers, but are phallic in form and marketed towards transmasculine people. This includes the Mr. Fenis STP, which is phallic enough to pass the urinal test, has a wide tube, and can be folded up into a pocket after use.
Mr. Fenis STP
For STP Packers- that is STP devices that can also be used for soft packing- there are several options. Alongside specifically designed and produced STP Packers, you can also find and purchase modifications of existing packers (normally the Mr. Softie/ Mr. Limpy), both with nipple style (like the Fitz STP) and spoon style (like the Mango STP) receptacles. Because these are adapted from non-silicone packers, they tend to not last as long as silicone based STP packers. Additionally, for those who want to pack and use an STP to help with dysphoria, the weight of silicone and the fact it absorbs body heat may make it more useful for this, as it can feel more “real.”
Urinall STP Packer
Silicone STP packers are available at a variety of price points, and with differing levels of realism. Some of the many available include the Sam STP from New York Toy Collective, the EZP from Transthetics, and the selection of STP packers available from Number One Laboratory.
No matter how much thought you put into choosing an STP that fits your anatomy, it will be odd to start with. You will likely find placing it awkward and you will likely end up peeing on your legs instead of in the toilet. I’d suggest first trying an STP out in the shower, without any clothes on. This means that if your aim isn’t correct, or if you don’t place the STP correctly, it can be cleaned up pretty easily. Once you’re confident with this, I’d suggest moving on to trying to pee in your toilet at home without clothes, then with clothes, and then public restrooms. Because every STP is different, it’s probably worth familiarizing yourself in this way if you get a new or different model, even if you have used an STP before- I found using the Mr. Fenis and using the Mango were totally different experiences, and having some practice for both before using them outside was helpful.
While the efficacy of STP devices at combating dysphoria varies, I’ve found using one helps me significantly. If you have dysphoria relating to not being able to stand to pee (or even if you don’t and are curious- sometimes we don’t know dysphoria is happening until it’s gone), if’s definitely worth giving it a try, and I hope this post is useful for you. If you’ve tried an STP, and have more advice to give, or have specific products that have worked for you, please do let me know!
by Zöe | Sep 7, 2017 | Featured, How to Poly, My Story
Oh boy, this is going to be a personal-ass post, so ready your feels. Today I want to talk about my love life and how I deal with things in the context of my polyamorous relationship, and how to best be good to yourself and your partner once they start seeing other people. If you’re not familiar with polyamory, the short of it is that you’re consensually in a non-monogamous relationship, meaning that you agree that it’s OK to see other people. That’s a very generalized definition – your relationship may or may not include dating individually, flirting, or even sex, and that’s OK.
My partner and I got married in October 2013, and we’ve been happy ever since. There was a period of non-monogamy when we were first dating, and then we were monogamous again up until a couple of years ago when we decided to try to open our relationship for a time. There were some short bits of flirting and chatting, but nothing ever really came of it for either of us. Eventually, the stress of the social aspects of trying to date coupled with the stigma that polyamory is somehow wrong made everything more stressful. We decided to close it up with an opening for sexy things on a case-by-case basis.
Fast forward to this summer, when my partner came to me and asked permission to flirt and be sexual with people online. I was hesitant for a second, but I’m actually pretty secure in our relationship right now, so I said (paraphrased) “Sure, knock yourself out.”
Later, my partner came to me again, and I could tell they were nervous to ask for more. They told me how they had developed feelings for someone, and wanted to know if they could pursue that more. My stomach wound up in knots, I was afraid of going back to being an open relationship. I didn’t want to think about people sexting and fucking my partner. I answered “If that’s what will make you happy,” and left it at that. We discussed in more detail later that we were in fact, opening up our relationship to polyamory and I made preparations for trying to master this beast that is compersion.
Compersion’s a weird word – it even looks like I was drunk and trying to type “compassion,” which isn’t far from the meaning. In my own words, compersion is feeling happy for your partner being happy. It’s not about “being a cuck” (I hate that phrase) or not being good enough or even just controlling your own jealousy. In fact, that’s a huge misnomer about polyamory – a little self-controlled jealousy is going to happen, just keep it in check.
I know it’s easier said than done, but you can still feel jealousy and accomplish having compersion. Where compersion happens successfully is when you keep your jealousy in check and root yourself in the assertion that you love your partner, they love you, and that you trust them. If you really love someone, then you want them to be happy. That doesn’t mean polyamory is for everyone – but everyone can probably relate to the sentiment of wanting loved ones to be happy.
My Partner Has a Boyfriend Now
My wonderful partner Sugar Cunt officially started dating a guy on the other side of the world. For some reason, that made it easier at first to cope with feelings of jealousy. Hey, it’s just online right – no harm, no foul. But as my partner is demisexual, there are emotions there too. The emotional intimacy definitely made things harder. But I realized, they don’t love me any less, nor I them.
So what did that end up meaning for me, practically speaking?
Well, lonely nights, for one thing. My partner’s relationship is still new, and with the time difference that means they sleep most of the day and wake up to spend a few hours with me, then head off into the living room to use their desktop PC and Skype/message each other for hours in relative privacy. Not every night, mind you – but they have nights where they’re together and nights when he is with his primary. The boyfriend having a primary also eases things a bit for me. I know he cares about my partner, and treats them well.
Being newly poly opened up a world of questions and anxieties for me on my side of things, too. I longed for companionship, someone to spark old or new interests that haven’t been active in my life for a while for one reason or another. You know, all the nice things you get from new friends, plus the possibility of more. I also no longer felt any guilt about feeling and expressing attraction toward other people. It’s exciting times.
It’s #Fistmas Time in the City
In August 2017, the Woodhull Sexual Freedom conference happened, and my partner and many other bloggers attended. During the conference, there rose a hashtag on Twitter that loomed heavy over my head. It was #Fistmas. My partner and dearest treasure was offering themselves up to be fisted by a room full of friends and strangers and have it photographed and retweeted across the internet. I’m being dramatic, but this is how it went in my head at the time.
Instead of getting anxious and upset, I reminded myself this is the perfect time to let my partner practice their own bodily autonomy and sexual freedom, and how if it were me in their place I’d be thrilled but also worried about them. It was time for me to get face-to-face with compersion, and this would be a trial by fire.
It turned out fine, and I was super happy for them. Mission accomplished. I got through it by thinking about how the experience doesn’t change anything about what they mean to me or vice versa, and the end result is that my partner experienced something good and it made them happy.
Boundaries and Communication
What’s really made our situation work, them dating and me currently in just the one committed relationship, was talking about boundaries and having good communication all along the way. I’ll give you an example: when they first started this new relationship, there was some pet names and other lovey stuff on his Twitter account with reference to my partner. I felt really weird about all that. I didn’t want to ask him directly to stop, because it’s his choice to post things or not. I talked about it instead with Sugar and they talked to him about it without me asking them to do that. That’s good communication.
Something Sugar did that really helped that situation, since I follow their boyfriend on Twitter and also their main account, was to create a brand new Twitter account and block mine, so they have a place to do that lovey dovey shit in public. I didn’t know this until I stumbled upon a “Tweet Unavailable” and Sugar explained it to me.
When Sugar is in the livingroom on their PC, it’s easy to just walk in and say hi or whatever, because talking to him is not the only thing they do in there. So we agreed that after a certain time of night, I either knock first or message them to see if it’s OK to come say hi and get a hug and a kiss.
Another important boundary is how much to communicate about their relationship with their paramour(s). If you’re newly poly, there’s a tendency to either overshare or undershare about your feelings and what’s happening lately. You have to find the right balance that works for your relationship. In my case, I don’t want to know what’s going on for the most part. I’m OK with being told that they (my partner) are happy, that they’re feeling good about themselves, but I don’t need to know life details of their partner either unless it’s necessary.
Megan Ashley (of Take Back Your Sex) writes:
“When we opened our relationship there was an expectation that I had that to be “truly” poly meant to be able to tell each other EVERYTHING… but that doesn’t work for everyone, and that is ok. One of my partners wants me to kiss and tell, the other doesn’t, and it does not mean one is a better poly-partner than the other. There is not a one-size-fits-all to this.”
My partner and I have also talked about how they’re learning to wait to talk to me about things sometimes. While they’d immediately want to tell me what was wrong or bothering them, they are trying harder to wait and identify their feelings first, decide if what they want to share is actually something good to share with me, or if it’s something better to talk about with someone else for support.
It takes a lot of pressure off me to have to be supportive in a situation that is painful to talk about because of jealousy. As long as he isn’t hurting them, I honestly shouldn’t be involved much. I do have compassion for them though, as a human being and acquaintance, so when I noticed there was non-relationship related troubles for him, I sent along my well wishes and concern.
NOTE: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE BUDDIES WITH YOUR METAMOUR (the partner of your partner who isn’t you). You don’t have to be a jerk to them, but you’re not under any obligation to initiate friendship, much less any sort of three-way situation. That’s another polyamory myth – you can date and experience other people individually OR as a couple. But it’s already SO hard to find someone you like and want to be with, finding a single someone who coincidentally has feelings for BOTH people in a couple is rare. People often misuse the term “unicorn” to describe someone who is single and wants to bang both people in (typically) a hetero couple. I hate that. Don’t make poly and bi/pan people your “unicorn.” We are not your novelty entertainment in the bedroom or elsewhere.
Compersion is About Selfless Happiness
Compersion is all about being happy for your partner, and letting them be happy for you! Ask your partner how much they’re comfortable being told, and let them know how much you’re comfortable hearing. Give them space, and time, especially as they develop new relationships. You remember that feeling, right? That warm, tingly, giddy feeling you get when you meet someone new and they like you back? You want to spend every waking moment talking and laughing and enjoying them richly. While I don’t know and don’t track how much time Sugar spends with their boyfriend away from me, I give them space and time to do that so they can nurture this new thing.
If your partner is dating and you’re not yet, take some time to work on yourself. That will be to everyone’s betterment. Find new friends, hobbies, and potentially your own romantic interests. This helps you break free of the habit of requiring your partner to provide all your validation and emotional needs, and it’s a healthy thing to do if you’re poly or not.
Know your own limits, don’t do anything you’re not ready to do yet. If your partner is dating and you’re not even comfortable talking to strangers, you need to go at your own pace. Take care of yourself and be good to your partner. Continue dating each other, sending sweet gifts – being thoughtful and romantic to your partner is a great way to affirm and reassure each other as you go on this wonderful journey together.
Are you currently struggling with compersion? Is your partner dating and you’re not? Share your story and how you’re coping (or not) with compersion in the comments below.
by Zöe | Jul 30, 2017 | Featured, How to Ally, Trans FAQs
It’s a tough time in the world to come out as transgender – the world’s a shitty place in a lot of ways. There are a lot of fears involved in coming out to your family and loved ones – and there’s statistically a good chance someone you know has those fears about coming out. I’m going to talk about some ways that people I love handled my coming out to them and ways that I wished others had been better, and hopefully, that will help you to be good to the ones you love.
Be A Good Person Before You Know
The first thing you can do to help support your transgender loved ones, coworkers and acquaintances is to not be a shitty person all the time. Before I came out, there were people who assumed I was a cis male and they made terrible homophobic and transphobic remarks. I wish I could say I was always brave enough to speak up and say “That’s not kind or appropriate,” but it wasn’t really the culture for me to speak up against higher ups. So, when I finally let some coworkers in on my secret after I left, I sure as hell didn’t let them in on it.
There’s no “safe space” for bigotry and hate. You can’t make the off-hand transphobic joke because “it’s just us here, no one will mind.” You do not know which co-workers or friends or family aren’t out yet. And chances are if they know you make those kinds of comments you’re probably not going to need the rest of this guide because they’re not going to come out to you. And if they’re important to you, that’s going to drive them away eventually.
React with Love
The first and foremost thing someone needs when they come out to you is love – however you express it in your relationship. It may be different for others, but for me when I was uncertain how someone would react I first worried whether our relationship would survive. Coming out as transgender to loved ones is harrowing when you’re unsure or definitely sure they’ll react poorly. To this day I still haven’t come out to my mom and step-dad because I know that’s going to be a defining moment for the rest of our relationship.
So for example, if your spouse comes out to you – the first thing you should do before making any other statements is tell them how much you love them. Let them know that they’re important to you and that they still have you. I was lucky that my wife’s reaction was unsurprisingly and overwhelmingly positive. I talked to them during my questioning though, so I was not surprised when I finally came out that they were there for me.
Remember It’s Not About You
When someone comes out to you, don’t make all your interactions about your questions/curiosities about being transgender, their body, or their transition plans unless they’ve opened the door for you to do so. It’s also important to remember they can close that door at any time and you need to respect it. Trans people don’t exist for your education. There are plenty of resources on Google that you can use and you can (politely) ask questions on /r/AskTransgender.
If you’re in a romantic relationship with this person, there’s definitely going to be time for questions about how things might change or stay the same in your relationship. Give your partner some space to first say their peace about what they want you to know. Go very slowly with logistics questions and don’t overwhelm them all at once. Offer any help or support they need right now. They will come to you if they need help with presenting or making transition plans. But remember this is their body, their life, and their journey – not yours.
Don’t Put Pressure on Them to Present
Coming out as transgender is a difficult step even with the most supportive friends and family. One of the most important things to learn is that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PRESENT IN ORDER TO BE VALID. So don’t tell your loved one to put on more masculine/feminine/andro clothes or to wear more or less makeup. Every day that person is transgender. There’s no modifier to that sentence. They’re still transgender if they haven’t shaved, if they don’t put on makeup, if they’re not wearing their binder, if they’re wearing their old clothes, or if they don’t make any changes at all. Some people can’t, some people don’t want to do any of that – and that’s OK.
Having family support in this area is crucial – I have sat and cried many times because my brain says things like “Maybe if I just put on makeup more often, people would misgender me less and stop using my old name.” It’s simply not true. Make a point to show your loved one that they’re valid by recognizing their gender in your everyday circumstances.
Also: FUCK GENDER ROLES.
Respect Pronouns and New Names
Strangers may flub pronouns, but typically if the only name they know a trans person by is their new name (if they have one, you don’t have to change your name) then they don’t struggle with it. Family and long-term friends, however – may struggle a lot with a new name and pronouns. I get it – you’ve known this person a very long time and you’ve always called them Diane. But Diane has come out to you, and wants to be called Jeff and use “he/him/his” pronouns. When you look at Jeff, your mind automatically thinks “That’s Diane,” and so in casual conversation, it’s easy to slip back into calling Jeff by his old name (or dead name, as it’s sometimes called).
This varies from person to person, but typically it’s easy for me to forgive people who knew me by my old name for a long time, especially if it’s a slip-up. I have a real hard time with folks who don’t at least try. It’s very invalidating and it crushes my self-esteem when someone I care about doesn’t recognize my gender or preferred name on purpose.
I’m Gonna Fuck This Up, I Just Know It
Several friends immediately offered an advance apology, saying they know they’ll probably forget and slip up but it’s not intentional. I’m well aware. So what’s a cis person to do when someone you’ve known a long time comes out and you don’t want to disrespect them but you’ve slipped up right in front of them? Don’t call unnecessary attention to it. A simple in-the-moment “he – oops, I mean her” or something is probably fine but talk to your loved one and find out what they prefer.
I definitely don’t want to experience the mortification of a friend verbally and ritualistically flaying themselves over a little mistake that calls more attention to me than the mistake did. Maybe you and your loved one can come up with a code or a look that basically means “I know I fucked up, I’m sorry” that doesn’t call attention to it.
Just put in effort. Putting in the effort to call someone by their new name and use their preferred pronouns is easy, and it’s a simple way to show someone you love them.
Offer to Go With Them
It’s definitely not a safe time, in any part of the world, to come out as transgender and present in public. But even in relatively safe situations, it can be daunting to go out in public presenting true to oneself. If and when the time comes, offer to go with them. It could be as simple as a trip to get gas or go grocery shopping. If you’re dining out with friends, and you share a gender with your loved one, offer to go with them to the bathroom.
Having someone to go with means others will hopefully automatically pick up on preferred pronouns, they’ll have a feeling of safety and familiarity, and they’ll have support in case they need it. If your loved one is already dealing with anxiety or depression, everyday outings while presenting can be a damned nightmare.
Listen to and Encourage Them
If you’re not transgender, the best thing you can do to support and be a good ally is to close your mouth and listen. Transgender voices are important, special, and they are too often drowned out by cisgender people talking over them about what’s the best thing for them. So if your loved one is telling you about their experiences, listen to them. Validate them. Let them feel their emotions and don’t stifle them.
Secondly, we need more transgender creators and makers in this world. Encourage any creative or artistic endeavors they might be interested in. You’ll likely see them light up inside to see their creativity nourished. Spend your money on media and art created by trans people. Show your loved ones that you want them to succeed.
Grow With Them
Transition, whether physical or not, can bring about a lot of changes in a transgender person. For me, some traditionally feminine things were (falsely) off the table for me when I thought I was a cis man. During the time I was questioning and figuring things out, I realized that my genitals had nothing to do with what kind of music I liked, or which colors I was allowed to say were my favorite. So while not every new favorite color and new taste in music have to do with their realized true gender, some things might have been their tastes all along and now they feel free to embrace it.
This can be tough on friends and family, because it feels like getting to know someone all over again. It’s the same for us – we’re just getting to know ourselves for the first time, or just getting to finally be ourselves for the first time. Since you love them, be supportive instead of criticizing. If you don’t like that your buddy loves Nicki Minaj now, well you just have terrible taste in music.
Remember that this is the same person you’ve always loved. They are changing in some ways, but what makes them the person you love should be the same. You wouldn’t be here reading this guide if you didn’t care about them. Be a good person, own your mistakes, and love them like you always have.
Was this guide helpful? Do you have any tips you wish your family and friends had when you came out to them? Is there anything you wish you’d known or done differently when your loved one came out to you? Let me know in the comments. I’ll update this guide with the most useful and thoughtful tips. 🙂
